I'll take every pain.Thank you

It all started with me.I gave a foolscap to a friend,giving an excuse that I accidentally took that foolscap from the girl I love most.I just didn’t want my friend to know what really happened.it was for me to keep.I know whatever pain or problems I have,I only need my loved ones and Allah,not any other girl or bitches out there.I explained everything to her in that foolscap.
Actually all awhile,I had sadness in me.I kept wondering why was I rejected for the things I needed?Truthfully, I was afraid.What if I actually failed my heart test?I couldn’t stop thinking.Then I asked myself,when,when I try doing something good to make my loved ones happy,they just can’t see.Sometimes I feel as if I’m not needed.Am I a failure?Am I not that good enough?I kept thinking in my mind till at times,it makes me feel like crying out loud.But that day,I controlled myself.I went to look for her because I know seeing her makes me calm,I know she can make me smile and change my darkest days.She could see my sadness.She kept asking.But I didn’t want to say because once she told me that when we go out together,we should fill our time with happiness and not let out our problems.so I tried because all I wanted to do was to make her happy.At that time,I really needed her by my side.I still remembered that day ,everything was going out well until me,the stupid me,blew it out.At that time,I really needed her that when she wanted to leave,I suddenly just tried to stop her.I blew out and I stopped her with my emotions.That’s how stupid I am.We left starbucks together and I don’t know why but I shouted at her in front of others,causing her tears to fall down.I was so bloody bustard,cruel and heartless.That night I just felt as if I was dying.The fear of me being sick,having heart problems came to me again.I felt as if I don’t deserve to live,that no one needs me with me being so cruel and stupid.If she could see deep down into my heart,she’ll know how deep my love goes.I regret everything I did.I wasn’t thinking straight.And that day,I had to save up because I need to pay my hp bill.My line was already terminated.I have an outstanding of $180 and I need to pay to continue the line so that will be an additional of around $30.I thought of using my coming pay to pay everything and save to pay for the reactivation of my line.I still have the letter.I did not tell her because I didn’t want her to give her money because I felt that if I told her,she’ll give me her money.I don’t want that to happen because I’m using that line and its my own responsibility to settle it.She was angry because I let go of my responsibility over Matin.I was supposed to send him home but I wasn’t paying attention till I didn’t realized that he left.But she didn’t kow that I chased him and met him at the MRT area there and I sent him home before taking the bus.

Awak,I don’t know if you’re reading this.If you’re,I just want to say that I’m really sorry for hurting you.That day I know you’re really hurt.I’m wrong for my actions.I deserve to be hated.Im such an idiot and jackass.I didn’t think before I did something.I was naïve and reckless.I accept any criticism from you.I don’t mind.If you want to marah me,throw all your anger to me,hit me as hard as you want,hurt me in any way,doakan I for the worst,that I’ll be punished,go on.I redha.Because I accept everything with open arms.I’m wrong and let me face all the punishments from you and Allah.All I got to say is please forgive me.Forgive this irritating moron.

Ya Allah,thank you.Even when you know I’m the most useless servant you have,you still listen to my doa.Thank you Ya Allah.You witness and see everything Ya Allah.I went back home yesterday because I wanted to help mama right Ya Allah.U see it right Ya Allah?I try to please her right Ya Allah?When I came back,mama was angry with me.She refused to talk to me.But you know what’s in my heart right Ya Allah.
I was tired and weak,but I still try cooking for her.I went out to buy the items.I cooked something.I tried because I just wanted mama to feel better and happy even when she was sick.She was in her room all the way till maghrib.I waited for her to come out so she can see what I’ve cooked for her.Then after maghrib,she finally came out of her room.I was excited.I know she’d be delighted to see what I’ve cooked for her.She’s been wanting to cook lauk asam,so I cooked something similar but a little more special,tom yam.I waited,at first I thought she wasn’t hungry.I kept waiting.I kept looking at the pot of tom yam I cooked.Then she changed her clothes.Mama was going out.I thougt she was going to someone’s house for Raya.Then when my sister came home,she asked mama and mama said that she was going out to eat.Ya Allah,only you know how hurt my heart was.She didn’t even tasted a little.I don’t mind if she taste it and criticize it if taste bad.But she didn’t even taste a little Ya Allah.I cooked it for her.Was it wrong Ya Allah?I’m really hurt Ya Allah.But I don’t blame her Ya Allah.I know you hear my doa.You gave me hurt and pain.Thank you Ya Allah.Even I’m a sinner,the worst servant ever,you still hear my doa Ya Allah.Alhamdulillah.Thank you Ya Allah.Thank you for the pain you gave me.I redha with this pain Ya Allah.Thank you.Thank you for being there with me.I never blame anyone for anything.I know I’m the one who should be blamed for everything.I’m never good enough.I know Ya Allah,I’m just useless.But I won’t stop trying Ya Allah,I won’t stop making everyone happy.

To All my loved ones,please forgive me.Hurt me all you want.I’ll take it with open arms.Thank you everyone.Thank you everyone for everything.Forgive me for everything.I know I’ve been a really bad son,brother and hubby.I’m a loser.I can never be anyone or anything.But I’ll always dedicate my life for all of you.My doa for all of you is that may Allah bless you and protect you from any tragedies.May All of you be blessed and be placed among the people loved by Allah in Syurga Firdausi.No matter what,I’ll always love all of you.I’ll do anything,even sacrifice my life just for All of your happiness.Forgive me.Even if I might not be there someday,my doa will always be with all of you.May All of you succeed and reach all your dreams.I’m just a burden and pain.I’ll take anything,any punishment or pain,I know I have lots of sins to all of you.Please forgive.I might bring myself faraway.But I’ll be alright because I don’t know how longer can I take everything.I’m sorry.Please forgive me.

Wani,my dearest.Forgive me for everything.Demi Allah,I’ve never any intention to take advantage of you.Never even has it came across my mind.Demi Allah,everything I do,it’s ikhlas because I love you.I don’t want nor need any other girl.I’ve made promise to Allah that I’ll only love you and I’ll keep that promise.I love you now and forever I will.